The impossible-to-buy Jared Lorenzen jersey

Jared Lorenzen has always been a big guy.  In case you haven’t heard, he’s now playing quarterback for the Northern Kentucky River Monsters (a small-market arena football team)…and he’s doing so at the size of William “The Refrigerator” Perry.  This isn’t another, “Wow, look how big Jared Lorenzen has gotten” post, however.  The guy is doing what he loves, and he seems happy.  I can’t knock him for that.  Instead, this post is about how his team, the Northern Kentucky River Monsters, is missing out on a HUGE merchandising opportunity.

Here’s what I mean.  Jared Lorenzen has basically become a folk hero for millions of middle-aged male football fans who may or may not be carrying around a few (dozen) extra pounds.  So can you imagine how well a Northern Kentucky River Monsters Jared Lorenzen replica football jersey would sell?  Just for kicks, I visited the River Monsters website—then clicked to their online store—to see if I could buy one [Removed a hyperlink on 8-22-14, since they’ve taken down their online store.—-Scott].  Here’s a partial screenshot of what I found:

Northern Kentucky River Monsters Jared Lorenzen jersey

Yep…these are the only two shirts you can buy directly from the Northern Kentucky River Monsters.  The information about both items is several months out of date, and neither are Lorenzen-themed.  I thought I could cheat the system by ordering a custom jersey with Lorenzen’s number and name.  But it turns out that their entire jersey ordering process is broken; you have to select a jersey type from a drop-down menu to proceed with the order, and the drop-down menu doesn’t work.

Then I noticed a “Get more gear” graphic. I clicked it, thinking that I’d find an array of Lorenzen-themed merch.  Nope.  This additional online store is just a turnkey River Monsters merchandise page powered by Teamstore.  They offer sixteen apparel items starting at $35…but none of them feature Lorenzen.

In an internet age, you really never know when you’re going to be thrust into the spotlight.  And when that happens, your business better be ready to make the most of it.  Somehow I’m suspicious that the lack of Lorenzen merchandise is just a huge miss on the part of the River Monsters, not a conscious decision to resist cashing in on a specific player.  So…Northern Kentucky River Monsters front office, get some Lorenzen merchandise on your site NOW.  Your five minutes of fame is ticking away, and you might not get another chance.

4 Comments The impossible-to-buy Jared Lorenzen jersey

  1. Hook

    I came across your article, and noticed some of the links in it didn’t work. I did, however, manage to find the link to the custom River Monster’s jersey by googling. I was able to place an order, even though it still says “* Pre-Order Only – Fan Jerseys are scheduled to be delivered Jan 2014”. I probably just burned $87, but it’s PayPal, so I should be able to get it back if I don’t receive anything in a couple of months.

      1. Hook

        They emailed me saying they can’t fill an order for just one jersey, and that they’ll be refunding my $87. Still waiting on a response in regard to how many jerseys do I have to order for them to print them.


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